Friday, February 13, 2009
Babies are helpful around the house
So apparently babies are great floor cleaners, right?
Words to the wise-- Zero to $500K in 18 years.
Cost of Swiffer at Duane Reade-- $7.99.
Babies are a joke in Dane Cook's repertoir
Some sounds, when they hit you, they just make you want to punch a baby? God help you if you're in a nursery! You'll go on a baby-punching tangent! GOD HELP ME! IT'S THE SOUND THAT MAKES ME PUNCH INFANTS!-- Dane Cook
Let's just put it this way, Dane Cook does not need any more fodder, and babies apparently are supplying his endless chain of refueling. Do we need any more proof of babies' evil? Babies + existence = Dane Cook.
'nuff said
Babies cry over split milk
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Babies are the parrots of the human kingdom
Our nation's amusement parks use parrots for time-honored entertainment. So, too, do humans make their babies put on a show. Just go on YouTube and enter "funny," "dancing," or "cute baby."
Just like parrots, language is a skill mastered by the ridiculously short and weight-challenged by mimicking what the subject tells it to say. "Make him say 'shit' again!" "Elmo wants you to say 'Shit.'" Insert baby saying "Shit." Roaring parental laughter ensues.
It amazes me that we do not give our tax dollars to much needed parrot training programs, but all these babies have to do to get my hard earned money is roll over in their cribs, fart and make people smile.
Labels:
babies mimicking,
comedy,
humor,
language,
parrots,
YouTube culture
Having a baby validates your womanhood
Hitler was a baby
As stated before, babies grow up to be serial killers. They also become fascist dictators. Once again, the mathematical formula is at play.
Bowl haircut + grainy black and white antique photo = Future mustachioed war criminal
We know there's mean old people
Babies fight each other like bums
Babies humanize politicians
Apparently the global populace cannot feel a poltician is human until they have kissed and held a baby. We are continually held at their mercy in terms of their multitude of strategies for foreign policy and implementations to spur economic growth. Pity the poor politicians who must continue to meet their demands.
Why do you think we import so many toys from China? Babies, thine pork barrel evildoery knows no bounds!
Labels:
babies,
China,
economics,
foreign policy,
humor,
imports,
politicians,
toy manufacturing
Babies are serial killers
Babies give your life meaning
Apparently for large portions of parents, their lives had no meaning before they had their children. Suddenly, post baby, everything is made clear. Apparently these folks have forgotten they were once babies with parents who felt the same. Millions regularly tell us that life has no meaning without smelly poopers leaching off of your very soul. Sniffle. Excuse me as I embrace my emptiness with another cocktail, uninterrupted private time, end of night luxurious shower and sleep filled evening.
Babies allow men to justify their midlife crises
Fart away
Babies eat grass and sometimes dirt
When you stick a baby on grass, very often they grab at the turf and eat it. Know what else eats grass and dirt? Damn dirty, filthy, stinkin' apes. Yeah. Think that one over, doting parents. Know what's in dirt? Worms, worms, and more germs. Now think of how many more babies we must save for the earth to survive.
Babies are extremely dumb
The very fact that there is such an item as an "electrical socket protector" means your kid is dumb. No, really. Babies are ridiculously stupid. If they were an adult, we'd consider them "mentally challenged." But no, we must protect them. If you know of an adult who would do behavior like this, what would you think? Would you worry about them? Make sure they're safe every 3 minutes? Hell, no. You'd be like, "No great loss."
Babies are filthy
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