Friday, February 13, 2009
Some sounds, when they hit you, they just make you want to punch a baby? God help you if you're in a nursery! You'll go on a baby-punching tangent! GOD HELP ME! IT'S THE SOUND THAT MAKES ME PUNCH INFANTS!-- Dane Cook
Let's just put it this way, Dane Cook does not need any more fodder, and babies apparently are supplying his endless chain of refueling. Do we need any more proof of babies' evil? Babies + existence = Dane Cook.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Our nation's amusement parks use parrots for time-honored entertainment. So, too, do humans make their babies put on a show. Just go on YouTube and enter "funny," "dancing," or "cute baby."
Just like parrots, language is a skill mastered by the ridiculously short and weight-challenged by mimicking what the subject tells it to say. "Make him say 'shit' again!" "Elmo wants you to say 'Shit.'" Insert baby saying "Shit." Roaring parental laughter ensues.
It amazes me that we do not give our tax dollars to much needed parrot training programs, but all these babies have to do to get my hard earned money is roll over in their cribs, fart and make people smile.
I much prefer to think of my boobies as being validation enough, but for most women it's that fussy food critic in its high chair launching missiles of reconstituted beets as theirs.
As stated before, babies grow up to be serial killers. They also become fascist dictators. Once again, the mathematical formula is at play.
Bowl haircut + grainy black and white antique photo = Future mustachioed war criminal
Contrary to popular belief, babies' presupposed "innocence" is best left to the individual observer. Oh, they're just "playing" you say? REALLY?
Watch them get hold of some metal toys and see what happens. 20 years to life is all I'm sayin'.
Apparently the global populace cannot feel a poltician is human until they have kissed and held a baby. We are continually held at their mercy in terms of their multitude of strategies for foreign policy and implementations to spur economic growth. Pity the poor politicians who must continue to meet their demands.
Why do you think we import so many toys from China? Babies, thine pork barrel evildoery knows no bounds!
Apparently for large portions of parents, their lives had no meaning before they had their children. Suddenly, post baby, everything is made clear. Apparently these folks have forgotten they were once babies with parents who felt the same. Millions regularly tell us that life has no meaning without smelly poopers leaching off of your very soul. Sniffle. Excuse me as I embrace my emptiness with another cocktail, uninterrupted private time, end of night luxurious shower and sleep filled evening.
Babies are used as excuses for sad sacks. They get to use them as permanent crutches for their worthlessness, regardless of income level or looks. See above photographic evidence. The great equalizer, I think thee not.
When an adult farts in an elevator, they are disgusting. When a baby does it, people say, "How cute." It is not cute. It is gross. Standards for adults should apply to babies and other "children." They are not innocent, sweet, or wonderful. They are simply very short.
When you stick a baby on grass, very often they grab at the turf and eat it. Know what else eats grass and dirt? Damn dirty, filthy, stinkin' apes. Yeah. Think that one over, doting parents. Know what's in dirt? Worms, worms, and more germs. Now think of how many more babies we must save for the earth to survive.
The very fact that there is such an item as an "electrical socket protector" means your kid is dumb. No, really. Babies are ridiculously stupid. If they were an adult, we'd consider them "mentally challenged." But no, we must protect them. If you know of an adult who would do behavior like this, what would you think? Would you worry about them? Make sure they're safe every 3 minutes? Hell, no. You'd be like, "No great loss."
It is imperative that we save every baby's life. You know why? So we can continue to clean up their disgusting messes. When you look at an adult that eats this messy, do you think it's "CUTE?" Hell, no. You think Bellevue needed, STAT.