Sunday, September 7, 2008

Babies are the parrots of the human kingdom

Our nation's amusement parks use parrots for time-honored entertainment. So, too, do humans make their babies put on a show. Just go on YouTube and enter "funny," "dancing," or "cute baby."

Just like parrots, language is a skill mastered by the ridiculously short and weight-challenged by mimicking what the subject tells it to say. "Make him say 'shit' again!" "Elmo wants you to say 'Shit.'" Insert baby saying "Shit." Roaring parental laughter ensues.

It amazes me that we do not give our tax dollars to much needed parrot training programs, but all these babies have to do to get my hard earned money is roll over in their cribs, fart and make people smile.

Having a baby validates your womanhood

I much prefer to think of my boobies as being validation enough, but for most women it's that fussy food critic in its high chair launching missiles of reconstituted beets as theirs.

Hitler was a baby

As stated before, babies grow up to be serial killers. They also become fascist dictators. Once again, the mathematical formula is at play.

Bowl haircut + grainy black and white antique photo = Future mustachioed war criminal

We know there's mean old people

There's also mean middle-aged people, mean Gen X-ers, Gen Y-ers, and definitely mean babies. No, really. Being a jerk is not necessarily learned behavior. Sometimes you're born that way.

Babies fight each other like bums

Contrary to popular belief, babies' presupposed "innocence" is best left to the individual observer. Oh, they're just "playing" you say? REALLY?

Watch them get hold of some metal toys and see what happens. 20 years to life is all I'm sayin'.

Babies humanize politicians

Apparently the global populace cannot feel a poltician is human until they have kissed and held a baby. We are continually held at their mercy in terms of their multitude of strategies for foreign policy and implementations to spur economic growth. Pity the poor politicians who must continue to meet their demands.

Why do you think we import so many toys from China? Babies, thine pork barrel evildoery knows no bounds!

Babies are serial killers

Ted Bundy was a baby. Therefore, he became evil. Mathematical equation time:
Baby + Existence = EVIL.

Babies give your life meaning

Apparently for large portions of parents, their lives had no meaning before they had their children. Suddenly, post baby, everything is made clear. Apparently these folks have forgotten they were once babies with parents who felt the same. Millions regularly tell us that life has no meaning without smelly poopers leaching off of your very soul. Sniffle. Excuse me as I embrace my emptiness with another cocktail, uninterrupted private time, end of night luxurious shower and sleep filled evening.

Babies allow men to justify their midlife crises

Babies are used as excuses for sad sacks. They get to use them as permanent crutches for their worthlessness, regardless of income level or looks. See above photographic evidence. The great equalizer, I think thee not.

Fart away

When an adult farts in an elevator, they are disgusting. When a baby does it, people say, "How cute." It is not cute. It is gross. Standards for adults should apply to babies and other "children." They are not innocent, sweet, or wonderful. They are simply very short.

Babies eat grass and sometimes dirt

When you stick a baby on grass, very often they grab at the turf and eat it. Know what else eats grass and dirt? Damn dirty, filthy, stinkin' apes. Yeah. Think that one over, doting parents. Know what's in dirt? Worms, worms, and more germs. Now think of how many more babies we must save for the earth to survive.

Babies are extremely dumb

The very fact that there is such an item as an "electrical socket protector" means your kid is dumb. No, really. Babies are ridiculously stupid. If they were an adult, we'd consider them "mentally challenged." But no, we must protect them. If you know of an adult who would do behavior like this, what would you think? Would you worry about them? Make sure they're safe every 3 minutes? Hell, no. You'd be like, "No great loss."

Babies are filthy

It is imperative that we save every baby's life. You know why? So we can continue to clean up their disgusting messes. When you look at an adult that eats this messy, do you think it's "CUTE?" Hell, no. You think Bellevue needed, STAT.